Dear Diary,

I haven't given up on you. Let's make up for lost time. I have a gorgeous new macbook and it's time to get back into the game. (sorry dad, I feel like a traitor. I know we're PC people. but if you were here to see these macbooks you'd understand.)

I've been thinking lately about expectations vs. reality. It seems like we're always thinking about the next best thing. My brave and brilliant friend in the Peace Corps is thinking about the stability and predictability of home, I'm fantasizing about quitting my job and going to South America to learn Spanish and do I don't know what. There's this article on the website www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com that basically says that white people are always thinking that they deserve to take a "year off" from things that the rest of the people consider a privilege to have, such as careers and educations. I'm working 40 hours per week, I'm getting healthcare, what the hell do I have to complain about? Hell, I have a view of about 30 feet of the Bay Bridge from a San Francisco high rise. I'm thinking about the next step in my career, and what I want to do with my life, and basically what I've come up with is this:

1. feel good about what I'm doing (work for a good company)
2. be involved in personal finance
3. be in charge of something
4. work in a tall building

I'm doing three out of four of these things already! Right now, the compromise would be that the only thing I'm in charge of at my job is what I'm having for lunch. But three out of four isn't bad. I'm starting to worry that it's not the job that I don't like it's the whole working thing I'm not fond of. I have a friend who gets paid $25/hour plus benefits to walk dogs and even he's not satisfied with his job. I saw a book once that was called "how to fall in love with the man you married." Can someone please write a book called "how to look forward to going to work on Monday, because your job is actually pretty decent?"

Love,
Diana

PS. I just realized that my last post was right when I got this job! funny how things have changed.

Dear Diary,
I noticed that the last time I posted was well before my very exciting and much anticipated graduation from COLLEGE! It is only slightly more difficult to muster the enthusiasm two weeks after the event. Well let's see what has happened since then. I went to the McMenimans Edgefield for an amazing post-grad 3 day party and had HELLA fun. I would recommend the Edgefield to anyone who wants to have an amazing time in a place with wonderful atmosphere and history, and the most incredible outdoor soaking pool ever. And only 50 dollars a night, fluffy white robe included! Seriously though, golf, beer, arnold palmers with friends, couldn't ask for more.
Then I went to Seattle and that was good. Here's what I learned in Seattle. You may think your teeth aren't as white as they used to be and you need to get some sort of expensive whitening product. Here's the truth though, get your teeth CLEANED at the DENTIST, (especially if it's been over two years since last time) and your teeth will look better than ever and you never had to look vain by buying whitening products. It was incredible. The lady just straight up chipped the discoloration off my teeth. But that is boring and gross. Moving on.
Now I am in San Francisco again, living in the basement of my boyfriend's mom's house while I find a place, while the boy is still in Portland for a few more months. (What, living in your boyfriends mom's basement without your boyfriend in the same state isn't completely normal?!?) I started my new job two days ago. I am very impressed with myself as I ride the muni in my little slacks with all the other commuters. But I'm sure they are all completely over the "being a grownup" thing so it is less interesting for them. This morning on the muni train this woman and a man got in a verbal altercation with the driver and we had to wait for the police to come for like 5 minutes. The fight was really stupid, and the problem was solved by them getting on the other train that had caught up behind us. I really couldn't believe that these people were going to let the 250 people or so that were on the train be late for work over such a stupid problem. Then the guy told the muni driver that "This is why you guys get beat up! This is why muni drivers get their heads bashed in!!!" Welcome to the big city, small fry.
Love,
Diana

Dear Diary,
I am in San Francisco, being very independent and cosmopolitan. I think the interview for this job went well, I will keep you posted, but at this point I don't want to jinx it. Yesterday I zoomed around the city on the MUNI and the BART. In total I think I spent like 15 dollars on public transportation for one day. Pricey, if you ask me.
If, and it is looking more like when, I move here, I am going to try and not have a car for as long as possible. I think I'll get a road bike or a moped instead- my lifelong dream. Sometimes I go online and build my own mini cooper and see how much a month I would have to pay for it. Seems doable. but not yet, that would be stupid. Buying a new car out of college goes against everything I stand for, however the idea is deliciously tempting.
I was cruising Golden Gate Park today, and I saw all of these 5 year olds playing in soccer games. It made me so happy. I forgot how when your five, the field is the size of a postage stamp and your jersey is too big and you just chase the ball in a big pack. It was really fun to watch. Today the park was just filled with families and homeless people. It seems ironic that they would want to hang out in the same place. Or is it ironic? I'm not really sure how to use that word, because people can be quite snobby about using that word. "No, Alanis, it's not ironic, it's a coincidence. There's a difference. God, people are so ignorant!"
Love,
Diana

Dear Diary,
Sometimes i want to smack liberal arts students. Good thing I am graduating in two weeks. There is this boy at my school that wears this t-shirt that says, "Gay? Fine by me." on the front. What I want to know is, what is he trying to accomplish by wearing this shirt? Like homosexuals are going to stop him on the street and say, "Hallelujah thank you so much for supporting my lifestyle! We need more people like you!!" Has no one ever said anything to him suggesting that this liberal and openminded statement on his shirt may in fact be offensive? I have seen him twice now and haven't said anything but I have been fuming about it for days. How about I wear a shirt that takes another marginalized group and openly expresses my support for it? I'm going to make a shirt that says, "Black? fine by me." and see how that goes over with the African American community. The thing is, for this boy to say that being gay is okay with him on the front of his shirt only emphasizes the fact that being gay is not okay with a lot of people. It assumes that he is a bastion of openmindedness surrounded by a sea of discrimination, further perpetuating the idea that gays are a group that should be differentiated from everyone else. A shirt that says "Gay film fesival 1996" or "Elton John is my homeboy" would make the exact same statement he is trying to accomplish- that he appreciates the gay community, without making him look like such a dumbass. what do you think?
Love,
Diana

Dear Diary,
I am just a basket of nerves these few few weeks before graduation. Deciding how to organize the rest of my life is stressing me out. Next Friday I am flying to San Francisco for this "assessment" to see if I have the skills necessary to do this job that I have already applied for and done a phone interview for. They want a writing sample, which I'm not too worried about, and they want me to take some sort of customer service test, and I'm not too worried about that. What I am worried about is the fact that one of the things they are assessing me on is my typing skills. I have been taking those tests online where you copy a blurb as fast as you can about zebras or typewriters, The Wizard of Oz, or whatever their random paragraph is about. Then they tell you how many words per minute you can do and with what percent accuracy. I am only at about 40 or 50 wpm but with really bad accuracy. I doubt I will have to write the latin name for zebra at this job but we will see. I would have a conniption if spent 250 bucks of my mom's money to fly down to SF, only to fail a typing test and not get this job. And if I do get this job, it means I would have gotten the first real job I applied for- which causes me some concern. I expressed this sentiment to my advisor yesterday and he reminded me of a quote by Groucho Marx, "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member." I think that sometimes other people have to remind you that you are not a total idiot.
In other news, I just finished my last college golf tournament. It was totally sad. I was mostly sad that if I ever want to play golf again, I am going to have to pay real American dollars for it. The whole ending of my golf career was rather anti-climatic. There I was, on the last hole at Aspen Lakes in Sisters, Oregon. My coach and one teammate were there watching my glorious approach shots, a chip, and two tidy putts, to end with a respectable bogey. And it was done. All I have left of my career is my embroidered golf bag and two fairway woods that I'm hoping my coach will forget that I borrowed. He has like a whole room full of golf clubs, like he will miss a couple woods. Especially after all I have given to the golf team. I hear that the athletic department is giving out paperweights to all of the graduating seniors that didn't play all four years. At least I'll have that to hold on to. Or to hold onto my paper.
Love,
Diana

Dear Diary,
I have noticed that applying for jobs has turned me into a middle schooler again. Remember when you were 13 and you liked a boy, and every little thing the boy did you overanalyzed? "oh my god, does that mean he likes me? he dropped his pen, i picked it up, he said thanks... he loves me. we are getting married, he's 5'7'' and plays soccer and we're perfect together." It's like that with jobs. Send out a resume, get a brief reply via voicemail or e-mail, then you start analyzing. Do you think they say "we have reviewed your credentials" to everyone to just the people they like and are going to hire?! Do you think "Let's talk about whether this is a good fit for you" means let's interview, or "i will blabber to you about this job." probably both. You know what, I don't even want a job that bad. I could just become an e-bay power seller or something. I like assembling parcels; I think it would be a good fit.
Love,
Diana

Dear Diary,
Last night I found myself at a private party in a bar in Lake Oswego with a bunch of parents. The boy was offered a gig taking pictures of the night, and he got to bring a date, me. There was an open bar and tiny burgers so obviously I went. This was a western themed evening complete with an electric bull and line dancing, and a lot of moms wearing expensive jeans and cowboy boots. I really enjoyed myself- it was interesting to be a fly on the wall observing what exactly affluent parents consider to be a good time. I suppose I wasn't just a fly on the wall, I did participate in the bull-riding, line dancing, and tequila. The whole evening was reassuring- you can be a parent and still go to raging parties. It certainly helps if you make enough money to rent out bars for entire evenings and completely deck them out for theme parties though.
Love,
Diana